"If you could wish for anything in the world what would it be? Do you know? I know what I'd wish for, I'd wish for my sanity... I would wish for someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved, I would wish for him to come back into my life and treat me the way he promised he'd always treat me, I would wish that he still now gazed into my eyes, and not into another girls, I would wish that he would sweep me off my feet again and promise to never love another... But wishes don't come true, and dreams really do lie... 'Cos if they didn't, there'd still be a him and I..."
Crystal Dean threw her diary down on her bed and got up from where she was lying, walked over to her full length mirror, and started her critical analysis, hrmm... Hips were too wide, thighs too chunky, and that hair, something had to be done about the hair, she had been doing this ever since her and her boyfriend David had broken up the previous week. He had told her it wasn't her it was him, he just needed time and space to himself without someone else yapping in his ear.
She hadn't stopped crying for the first 48hrs since their breakup, nothing this drastic had ever happened in her 17 years of life, and she was absolutely devastated.
"You're so ugly Crystal" A small voice inside her head said... "You're so fat too" Another screamed at her mocking her, and pushing her to do something about it.
She walked into the bathroom that joined onto her bedroom and leant over the toilet bowl.
"Just once" She mumbled "Just enough to make David love me again"
Within a few minutes the remains of the little food she ate at dinner was being flushed away into the toilet.
She then turned on the shower and stood under the piercing coldness, trying desperately to wash the invisible dirt that now covered her body away, her efforts were in vain, and this reduced her to a bundling heap in the corner of the shower, sobbing until her body shook...
Eventually she got up and walked back into her bedroom and looked around, everything was still normal, she saw happy pictures of her, her friends and her David situated at random positions around her room, she heard laughing come from down the hall in the family room and outside, as kids were returning home from their various afternoon activities..
Why was everything around her still moving when all of her world had stopped, and she was left all along lost in the cold, and the darkness...? Why hadn't the world stopped to wait for her? She stood frozen for a moment until her bedside ph ringing made her jump. She leaned over and picked it up and put on a happy voice;
"Hey Crystal, how are ya honey??" A happy chirpy rang in her eyes, it was magnified by the previous silence.
"Oh hey Jess, what's up?" Crystal replied disinterestedly
"Not much, you weren't at school today are you O.K baby?" Jessica said soothingly into the phone.
Crystal wanted to scream at her, no of course she wasn't O.K the guy of her dreams just broke up with her, how would she feel if that happened, but instead she said "Yeah I'm fine, just felt a bit sick today, ‘tis all I will be there tomorrow."
They talked for awhile longer then hung up the phones.
Crystal hung up the phone and laid back on her bed staring at the roof, she'd have to go to school the next day, otherwise people would start talking about her, she couldn't believe it, her, the most popular girl in school, the one with "everything" that everyone apparently wanted, was alone, lonely, lost by herself.
She heard a knock at the door and saw it open slightly.
"Honey?" Her mum’s voice said softly "Are you alright?"
"Yeah I'm fine" was her soft reply "I'm just tired, that's all."
Her mum opened the door and walked in and sat down next to her on the bed.
"I know it's hard, but you will find it easier with time."
Crystal nodded "I know, I really know this, but I just wish it didn't feel this way, y'know, I wish the feelings I felt for him could just disappear."
Her mum gave her a long cuddle, and then Crystal laid down as her mum stroked her head, and sung to her.
"Lilac trees a-blooming in the corner by the gate, Mammy in the little cabin door; Curly-headed pickaninny comin' home so late, Cryin' 'cause his little heart is sore; All the children playing 'round have skin so white and fair, None of them with him will ever play. So Mammy in her lap takes the little weeping chap, And says, in her kind old way: Now, honey, yo' stay in yo' own back yard, Don' min' what dem white chiles do; What show yo' suppose dey's a-gwine to gib A black little coon like you? So stay on dis side of de high boahd fence, An', honey, don' cry so hard; Go out an' a-play jes' as much as yo' please, But stay in yo' own back yard." Her mum sung until she was in a deep slumber.
The next morning, Crystal woke up at her usual time of 6 am and went and had an ice cold shower, which she had been doing since her breakup with David. She got out of the shower, and continued to make herself up into the role, of the happy, smiling, popular girl, that everyone thought her to be. First came the makeup; compact, eye shadow, eyeliner, mascara, then her lip gloss, then came her school uniform, the mid thigh length skirt, long sleeved blouse, stockings, black shoes, and her school tie.
She then went to have breakfast trying to act as normal as she possibly could under the circumstances...